When You Notice Your Child is Different: Recognizing Signs of Neurodiversity in Early Childhood
by Fletcher White
When becoming a new parent, you probably expected plenty of big feelings and quirky behaviors in the years ahead, especially in the early phases of childhood. Tantrums, anxiety, defiance, boundless energy, and unexpected fixations – it is all part of the journey. Experienced parents in your community might have encouraged you to “hang in there” when you were struggling through a tough time with your toddler. You might have gotten reassurance from friends and family that your child’s struggles were all just part of a phase, simply attributing inhibited behavior to a little shyness, or explaining misbehavior as “just pushing boundaries.” Perhaps your toddler had some unique quirks that just seemed silly, like the way they liked to carefully line up objects around the house or study all the inner workings of vacuum cleaners. If your child struggled with impulsivity, aggression, or hyperactivity, you might have found comfort in playful phrases like “the terrible twos,” “threenager,” or “fournado” – lighthearted reminders that the chaos and exhaustion of early childhood is normal and would eventually pass.
But if the challenges didn’t pass – if they have grown bigger or lasted beyond the preschool years – you may have adapted without realizing the growing differences between your child and their peers. Your family’s routines and everyday tasks might have evolved to avoid your child’s triggers in ways that leave you with less flexibility for sudden changes to plans. You might feel a constant responsibility to stay nearby in anticipation of your child’s sensitivities, finding it hard to leave them in the care of others. You generally stick to safer choices in life – whether it be choosing foods you know they won’t hesitate to eat or selecting clothing they won’t fight about wearing – in order to keep everything running as smoothly as possible for your family. It’s possible that over time, this daily balancing act of trying to make life less disruptive for your child has become your new normal.
And then eventually, as you spend more time in your community – visiting a classroom, shopping for groceries, or attending birthday parties – you begin to notice that other children and families seem to move through the world with more ease than what is familiar to your family. These observations might lead you to wonder: maybe this isn’t just a phase after all.
If you find yourself questioning whether your child’s challenges are more than just a phase, you’re not alone. The gradual shift from toddlerhood to the early elementary years can be a confusing time for parents of neurodiverse children. Parenting is already filled with grey areas, so giving your child time to mature before considering intervention is an understandable response to challenging behaviors in the early years. You might be someone who hasn’t spent much time around other children and aren’t sure what’s typical at different ages. Or, maybe you see parts of yourself in your child and their behaviors feel familiar, not necessarily concerning. There are many reasons why it can take time for a parent to begin to wonder if their child’s struggles go beyond the usual ups and downs of childhood.
Neurodiversities can present themselves more clearly in the early elementary years, when social and emotional expectations increase at school and peers’ behaviors become more refined. What didn’t seem out of the ordinary in a preschool classroom now stands out in second grade – perhaps your child struggles to stay seated during a group activity while the rest of the class is quietly engaged. Maybe you’ve received emails from teachers about ongoing behavioral disruptions, emotional outbursts, or difficulties with transitions. Outside of school, you might start to notice patterns: it could be that your child regularly cries or withdraws at birthday parties or public gatherings, while other kids seem to take part in special events with more flexibility. Even simple observations in public, like watching a five-year-old walk calmly beside a shopping cart or leave the library at their parent’s first reminder, can leave you wondering about your own child’s development.
The growing realization that your child might have different needs than their peers can evoke an unexpected mix of emotions. Guilt about not seeing the signs sooner, sadness about what this could mean long-term, relief that there might finally be an answer to this lingering gut feeling you have had all this time, confusion about why your child seems different – all of these reactions are normal. Societal expectations around parenting can leave you feeling hyperaware of your child’s behavior in public and uncertain about how best to respond: do you meet your child where they are and risk judgment from others about your parenting, or do you try to redirect your child in a way that feels more socially acceptable? You might also find yourself wavering between feelings of optimism and loneliness when someone says, “It will be fine - my child used to do that, too, and they outgrew it.” Sometimes that comment feels reassuring. Other times, it might leave you feeling unseen and dismissed. It is also normal to experience periods of grief as you mourn the loss of a vision you once held for what parenting would look like.
As you sort through the sadness and uncertainty about your child’s path, you might also feel a sense of hope; that there is an explanation for your child’s behavior, and that help is out there. You may begin to see that being different doesn’t mean something is wrong; neurodiversity exists broadly in every community, including yours. Many families are navigating their own challenges and complex inner worlds behind the scenes. That quiet, compliant child walking next to the shopping cart? That is just one nicely packaged snippet of a much bigger, unseen story – just like your child’s.
If you’re beginning to question your child’s social or emotional development, reaching out to your pediatrician is a great first step. They can refer you to local specialists who are able to provide the most appropriate evaluations for your child, whether it’s a child psychologist, speech pathologist, educational therapist, or any other specialist who is skilled in social, emotional, and behavioral development. These professionals can help guide your family toward available interventions, educational resources, and supportive strategies. It’s never too late to ask for help.
In addition to finding professionals in your area, connecting with other parents of neurodiverse children can be an invaluable source of support. Many local and online communities offer safe, welcoming spaces where caregivers can share stories, celebrate milestones, and openly discuss challenges together. These connections can provide a much-needed sense of validation, encouragement, and belonging. As you gain confidence in parenting your neurodiverse child, you may even begin to notice others around you who have been quietly walking a similar path this whole time. You are not alone, and neither is your child.
This may not be the parenting journey you had envisioned, but there is still so much meaning, joy, and success ahead. Over time, you will come to see and admire your child’s strengths and capacities in a new light, while learning how to support them in ways that feel right to you and your child – even if it doesn’t match what others expect. Your “normal” may look different than someone else’s – but it will be yours, it will be guided by people who understand your child, and it will be full of love, growth, and discovery.
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